Jokes

Beauty Contests’ Q&A Moments

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Beauty Contests Boo boos

It is during the Q&A portions of beauty contests that judges can ascertain whether the contestant has what it takes to win the crown. Oftentimes, it also provides a hint as to whether there is something between the ears of the aspirants.

Here are some amusing moments we noted during one of these beauty contests.

  • Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the  Philippines?
  • Contestant : Bocaue.
  • Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
  • Contestant: Because it’s a magnificent place.
  • Host : Which part of Bocaue?
  • Contestant: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

_____

  •  Host : What is your best feature?
  • Contestant : My graduation picture and also my baby picture.

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  •  Host : What is you favorite motto?
  • Contestant : If others can’t, why can’t I!

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  •  Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
  • Contestant : Please come back or you shall return.

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  •  Host : What is your typical day?
  • Contestant : I think Saturday po!

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  • Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do   it?
  • Contestant : That is a very good and easy question but is hard to answer… He! He! He!

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  • Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
  • Contestant : My edge? I’m 21 years old, Sir!

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  •  Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
  • Contestant: Thirty-five.
  • Host: Why 35?
  • Contestant: Because you are already old enough not to make any mistakes.

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  • Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
  • Contestant: I am now 18, plus 10… I’ll be 28!

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  • Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
  • Contestant : Drugs!
  • Host : Why?
  • Contestant: Kasi it is very expensive na, Sir!

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  • Host : What is the essence of a woman posing nude in magazines?
  • Contestant : Girls should be proud because when she is naked it is pleasing and essential to men’s eyes!

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  • Host : What makes you blush?
  • Contestant: I don’t blush because I have a dark complexion.

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How Tos, Jokes

Marriage Lessons – How to deal with male chauvinists

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Here are some tips on how to deal with male chauvinists. The first and fourth were shared to me by friends from the women’s movement, while the second and third were jokes shared during golf games.  Enjoy them.

Marriage – Part I

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.

I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules!  Any comments?”

His new bride says, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night  whether you’re here or not.”

************ ********* ********* ******

 

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die,  I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever ”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die,  I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

 ************ ********* *********

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, “You’re no good in bed either!” and storms out of the house.   After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,  “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud  of his achievements. He is so proud of himself,

that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home

and wants to find out  if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back,

“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

************ ********* ********* ********

 

Jokes

Old People Have Problems

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Amusing stories are passed on from one person to another. In the process, some details are lost and even the names of the original author(s) may even be omitted. Here is one example of such joke, which may have originated from the West and found its way to some email addresses here in the Philippines. I am posting it here because of its amusement value. Unfortunately, the name of its original author was no longer there when I received the email.

Smile.

Old people have problems that you haven ‘ t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor ‘ s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

“Well, doc, it ‘ s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.”

“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”

“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked!  “You asked your neighbour? ”

The old man replied,  “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.. ”

 

Jokes

From my Inbox – Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

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Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the indoor plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

 

Now, which one of the thirteen in the list were you on Christmas day?