Category Archives: Jokes

Old People Have Problems

Amusing stories are passed on from one person to another. In the process, some details are lost and even the names of the original author(s) may even be omitted. Here is one example of such joke, which may have originated from the West and found its way to some email addresses here in the Philippines. I am posting it here because of its amusement value. Unfortunately, the name of its original author was no longer there when I received the email.

Smile.

Old people have problems that you haven ‘ t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor ‘ s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

“Well, doc, it ‘ s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.”

“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”

“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked!  “You asked your neighbour? ”

The old man replied,  “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.. ”

 


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From my Inbox – Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

Signs You’ve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer

1. You strike a match and light your nose.
2. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
3. You hear a duck quacking and it’s you.
4. You tell your best joke to the indoor plant.
5. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
6. You hear someone say, “Call a priest!”
7. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
8. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
9. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
10. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the party’s at your place.
11. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
12. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
13. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize you’re in front of the hall mirror.

 

Now, which one of the thirteen in the list were you on Christmas day?

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Proud Dads

Four Proud Dads

Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, were reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the  men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids. The first guy said, “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said, “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He’s so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said: “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi-millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: “What are all the congratulations for?”  One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. “What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.” The three friends said: “What a shame…what a disappointment. “

The fourth man replied: “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. And he hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends..

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Married Life


You have choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’
‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’
__________

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
‘Husband Wanted’..
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
‘You can have mine.’
__________

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished
 .
__________

A little boy asked his father,
‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’
__________

A young son asked,
‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’
Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.’
__________

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________

If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.
__________

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________

First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive..’
__________
‘A Woman’s Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

 

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SIGNS – Door Signs 1

I got this set of amusing signs posted at various doors from an email coming from Reynaldo Espanola. I am sharing this with you below.

 

Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office: 
 “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
**************************

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels
**************************

At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
************************** 

On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
**************************

On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..” 
**************************

On a Church’s Billboard:
“7 days without God makes one weak.”
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : 
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************

At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************

On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.” 
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area: 
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.” 
**************************

On a Maternity Room door: 
“Push. Push. Push.”
**************************

At an Optometrist’s Office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************

On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************

On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!” 
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.” 
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop: 
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************

At the Electric Company
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
**************************

And don’t forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”

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Parental Wisdom

I think most of us remember with fondness the instances when our parents had their own ways of calling our attention to our “palpak” moments. Following are some of the  “nuggets of wisdom” that we use to get in regular doses from our parents.

Read on as these may come in handy when you become parents yourselves.

 

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE :
                    “Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas!
                             Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”
 
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay
                     “Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC :
                      “Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
                     “Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine.” 

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:
                      “Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”
 
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:
                        “Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!”

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA: 
                          “Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!”

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:                                                                                        “Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid,                                                               parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:                                                                          “Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito,                                                                      maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
                          “Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!”

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
                            “Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!”

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY :
                              “Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang.
                             Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?”
 
13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
                             “Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!”

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING: 
                              “Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!” 

15. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng DETERMINATION: 
                         “Hanapin mo yung pinahahanap ko sa ! iyo, pag di mo nahanap, makikita mo!”
 
16. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:
                        “Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na                                wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!”

17. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:
                             “Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak…tiyak magiging katulad mo at                                   magiging sakit din sa ulo!” 

 

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