Jokes

Bill Gates Recruits a New Chairman

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This has been in circulation in the internet for quite awhile. I have received various versions of this account and the one below is from Alex Fernandez of Unilab.

 

BILL GATE RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.  500 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo – Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo – Croat but what do I have to lose?’

So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo – Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’

Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says: ‘Ano ba yan, pare?’

The other candidate answers:  ‘Ewan ko nga ba pare….’

Jokes

HUSBAND AND WIFE JOKES

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HUSBAND AND WIFE JOKES

bana:  Gang, naka-save ko ug 7 pesos karon kay ako na  man gigukod ang jeep, wala man ko mu sakay

asawa:  Bogo! taxi unta imung gigukod aron mas dako    imong na-save
======== ======================

bana: Love, promise sugod karon di na tika luiban. Ako   nang biyaan ang akong kabit

asawa: Wow, tenk you love, ako sad promise, ang sunod natong anak, ikaw nay amahan. promise jud!
=====================================

AMO:  Inday gipatotoy na nimo ang bata?
Maid:   Yes mam! gipatotoy na.
Amo:    Ang sir nimo ningkaon na?
Maid:   Naah! mam, dili man mukaon si sir, gipatotoy na lang pud nako.
======================================

Husband:  May malaki ako problema.

Wife:   Wag mo sabihin problema MO lang, problema NATIN dahil nagmamahalan tayo. ngayon ano problema natin?

Husband: Nabuntis NATIN si Inday at TAYO ang ama..

=======================================

Two married men talking…

1st man:  Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.

2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.
=============================

Wife :    Love, mahal mo ba ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

Wife : Enjoy ka ba sa akin?
Husband: Siyempre, asawa kitae h.

Wife : Baka naman niloloko mo lang ako?

Husband: Siyempre, asawa kita eh.

=============================

Mr. 1: Wow, first year wedding anniversary niyo na, anong gift mo sa Misis mo?
Mr. 2: Dadalhin ko siya sa Africa!
Mr. 1: Sarap naman, eh next year ano naman ang gift mo?
Mr. 2: Kukunin ko siya pabalik!!!
=============================

ANAK: ‘Tay, anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pag kumain tayo sa labas, Dinner ‘yun. Pag dito tayo kakain luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!
===========================

Jokes

Pacquiao Jokes

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Here is a compilations of various Pacquiao-isms. Laugh your hearts loud.

"HIDDEN SOLDIERS!" ………………..yan ang sagot ni Manny Pacquiao sa tanong na "What is the world's No. 1 anti-dandruff shampoo?" (Head 'n Shoulders)

*************** *

Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.
Aling Dionisia: Talaga?…gusto ko gumanda!
Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.
Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?
Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.

************ *

Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!

** ********** *

Reporter: Ngayong nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know?(Avon..)

************ *

Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

************ *

Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo.
Bradley: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know?

************ *

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yun g seeds ko.
Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.

************ *

Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin??MANKY?…

************ *

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga 'nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)

************ *

Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita? ang dilim!!

************ *

Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan…
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm…eh… ang masasabi kulang diyan ay….
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan,…maraming pish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-order

************ *

Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!
& nbsp;
************ *

Noodle!! Noodle!! Noodle!!
Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal

************ *

Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!

************ *

Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! Blue the Kick!!!!

************ *

You is!' 'you is! you is!', sigaw ni Aling
Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika..Andito na ako sa 'you is!'

***********

 
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Jokes

Beauty Contests’ Q&A Moments

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Beauty Contests Boo boos

It is during the Q&A portions of beauty contests that judges can ascertain whether the contestant has what it takes to win the crown. Oftentimes, it also provides a hint as to whether there is something between the ears of the aspirants.

Here are some amusing moments we noted during one of these beauty contests.

  • Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the  Philippines?
  • Contestant : Bocaue.
  • Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
  • Contestant: Because it’s a magnificent place.
  • Host : Which part of Bocaue?
  • Contestant: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

_____

  •  Host : What is your best feature?
  • Contestant : My graduation picture and also my baby picture.

_____

  •  Host : What is you favorite motto?
  • Contestant : If others can’t, why can’t I!

_____

  •  Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
  • Contestant : Please come back or you shall return.

_____

  •  Host : What is your typical day?
  • Contestant : I think Saturday po!

_____

  • Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do   it?
  • Contestant : That is a very good and easy question but is hard to answer… He! He! He!

_____

  • Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
  • Contestant : My edge? I’m 21 years old, Sir!

_____

  •  Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
  • Contestant: Thirty-five.
  • Host: Why 35?
  • Contestant: Because you are already old enough not to make any mistakes.

_____

  • Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
  • Contestant: I am now 18, plus 10… I’ll be 28!

_____

  • Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
  • Contestant : Drugs!
  • Host : Why?
  • Contestant: Kasi it is very expensive na, Sir!

_____

  • Host : What is the essence of a woman posing nude in magazines?
  • Contestant : Girls should be proud because when she is naked it is pleasing and essential to men’s eyes!

_____

  • Host : What makes you blush?
  • Contestant: I don’t blush because I have a dark complexion.

_____

 

Jokes

Alzheimer’s Assessment Test

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A Test If you will Ever Develop Alzheimer's

 

Normal Brain vs. Brain with Alzheimer's (Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)

 

Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line below without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

 

  1. This is this cat.
  2. ​This is is cat. 
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat. 
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat. 
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat. 
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat. 

 

 

Now, lets use the same same set of sentences, but this time read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat. 
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat. 
  5. This is keep cat.
  6.  This is an cat. 
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat. 
  9. This is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat. 
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!.

 

 

 

Jokes

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

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Here is an example of how we sometimes get wrapped up in our own biases that we fail to see the obvious.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, “Kemosabe, look towards sky, what you see?”   The Lone Ranger replies, “I see millions of stars.” “What that tell you?” asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, “Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

“What’s it tell you, Tonto?”

“You dumber than buffalo chip.   Someone stole the tent.”