Jokes

Bill Gates Recruits a New Chairman

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This has been in circulation in the internet for quite awhile. I have received various versions of this account and the one below is from Alex Fernandez of Unilab.

 

BILL GATE RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.  500 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo – Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo – Croat but what do I have to lose?’

So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo – Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’

Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says: ‘Ano ba yan, pare?’

The other candidate answers:  ‘Ewan ko nga ba pare….’

Jokes

Parental Wisdom

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I think most of us remember with fondness the instances when our parents had their own ways of calling our attention to our “palpak” moments. Following are some of the  “nuggets of wisdom” that we use to get in regular doses from our parents.

Read on as these may come in handy when you become parents yourselves.

 

1. Si Inay, tinuruan niya ako HOW TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE :
                    “Kung kayong dalawa ay magpapatayan, doon kayo sa labas!
                             Mga leche kayo, kalilinis ko lang ng bahay.”
 
2. Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Itay
                     “Kapag yang mantsa di natanggal sa carpet, magdasal ka na!”

3.Kay Inay ako natuto ng LOGIC :
                      “Kaya ganyan, dahil sinabi ko.”

4. At kay Inay pa rin ako natuto ng MORE LOGIC:
                     “Pag ikaw nalaglag diyan sa bubong, ako lang mag-isa ang manonood ng sine.” 

5. Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng IRONY:
                      “Sige ngumalngal ka pa at bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!”
 
6. Si Inay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang CONTORTIONISM:
                        “Tingnan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tingnan mo!!!”

7. Si Itay ang nagpaliwanag sa akin kung ano ang ibig sabihin ng STAMINA: 
                          “Wag kang tatayo diyan hangga’t di mo nauubos lahat ng pagkain mo!”

8. At si Inay ang nagturo sa amin kung ano ang WEATHER:                                                                                        “Lintek talaga kayo, ano ba itong kuwarto nyong magkapatid,                                                               parang dinaanan ng bagyo!”

9. Ganito ang paliwanag sa akin ni Inay tungkol sa CIRCLE OF LIFE:                                                                          “Malandi kang bata ka, iniluwal kita sa mundong ito,                                                                      maari rin kitang alisin sa mundong ito.”

10. Kay Itay ako natuto kung ano ang BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
                          “Tumigil ka nga diyan! Huwag kang umarte na parang Nanay mo!”

11. Si Inay naman ang nagturo kung anong ibig sabihin ng GENETICS:
                            “Nagmana ka nga talaga sa ama mong walanghiya!”

12. Si Inay naman ang nagpaliwanag sa amin kung anong ibig sabihin ng ENVY :
                              “Maraming mga batang ulila sa magulang.
                             Di ba kayo nagpapasalamat at mayroon kayong magulang na tulad namin?”
 
13. Si Itay naman ang nagturo sa akin ng ANTICIPATION:
                             “Sige kang bata ka, hintayin mong makarating tayo sa bahay!”

14. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng RECEIVING: 
                              “Uupakan kita pagdating natin sa bahay!” 

15. At si Itay pa rin ang nagturo kay Kuya kung anong ibig sabihin ng DETERMINATION: 
                         “Hanapin mo yung pinahahanap ko sa ! iyo, pag di mo nahanap, makikita mo!”
 
16. Si Inay naman ang nagturo sa akin kung ano ang HUMOR:
                        “Kapag naputol yang mga paa mo ng pinaglalaruan mong lawnmower, wag na                                wag kang tatakbo sa akin at lulumpuhin kita!”

17. At ang pinakamahalaga sa lahat, natutunan ko kina Inay at Itay kung ano ang JUSTICE:
                             “Balang araw magkakaroon ka rin ng anak…tiyak magiging katulad mo at                                   magiging sakit din sa ulo!” 

 

Jokes

The Choice that Man Made for Himself

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They say that the reason man is in a mess he is in today is because when he had a choice, he wanted to get the best for himself. Below is one such account which I got via email  from Reynaldo “Bembot”  Española  of Compostela Valley, Mindanao:

 On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”  The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?” And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.”  The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.”  But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.

For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.

For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.

And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.