Jokes

Bill Gates Recruits a New Chairman

214 Comments

This has been in circulation in the internet for quite awhile. I have received various versions of this account and the one below is from Alex Fernandez of Unilab.

 

BILL GATE RECRUITS A NEW CHAIRMAN

Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe.

5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is MARIO DIMACULANGAN.
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

MARIO says to himself, ‘I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try’

Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience of managing more than 100 people may leave. 2,000 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself ‘ I never managed anybody by myself but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?’ So he stays.

Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.  500 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘I left school at 15 but what have I got to lose?’ So he stays in the room.

Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo – Croat to leave. 498 people leave the room.

Mario says to himself, ‘ I do not speak one word of Serbo – Croat but what do I have to lose?’

So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.

Bill Gates joined them and said ‘Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo – Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.’

Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says: ‘Ano ba yan, pare?’

The other candidate answers:  ‘Ewan ko nga ba pare….’

Jokes

Pacquiao Jokes

529 Comments

Here is a compilations of various Pacquiao-isms. Laugh your hearts loud.

"HIDDEN SOLDIERS!" ………………..yan ang sagot ni Manny Pacquiao sa tanong na "What is the world's No. 1 anti-dandruff shampoo?" (Head 'n Shoulders)

*************** *

Genie: Bibigyan kita ng isang kahilingan.
Aling Dionisia: Talaga?…gusto ko gumanda!
Genie: Buksan mo ang bote.
Aling Dionisia: At gaganda na ako?
Genie: Hindi. Babalik na lang ako.

************ *

Pacman: Sabi ng titser ko, bakit daw ang eggplant walang egg?
Aling Dionisia: Sabihon mo sa titser mo, na pag me egg yun, turta na yan, TURTA!

** ********** *

Reporter: Ngayong nanalo ka Manny, anong pasalubong mo kay Jinkee?
Manny: Ibon syempre. Mahilig sya dun e.
Reporter: Ibon? Anong klaseng ibon?
Manny: Yung mga lipstek, pangmik up ba? Basta mga Ibon products! Yo know?(Avon..)

************ *

Dionesia: Doc gusto ko magpalagay ng breast.
Doctor (gulat) magpapasexsi ka na?
Dionesia: Breast sa ngipen ba. Paraumayos yun ngepen ko! Deba uso yon?

************ *

Pacquiao: Wala, talo ka na kahit anung gawin mo.
Bradley: Pagandahan na lang tayo ng nanay!
Pacquiao: Ah! Wala namang ganyanan. I mean you know?

************ *

Aling Dionisia: Inday, akina nga yun g seeds ko.
Inday: Bakit po magtatanim po ba kayo?
Aling Dionisia: Anung magtatanim sinasabi mo? Nasisilaw ang mata ko kaya kailangan ko yung seeds.

************ *

Jinky: Manny, kung magkakaanak ulet tayu anu magandang name?
Manny: Hmm. Eh di combine na lang name natin??MANKY?…

************ *

Aling Dionisia: Gusto ko naman pag nagka-anak kayo uli ni Jinky, di lang pangalan nyo pagsasamahin. Dapat kasali din pangalan ko.
Manny: Oo naman nay, kasu midyu mahirap yun.
Aling Dionisia: Hindi ah, may naesep na nga ako eh.
Manny: Talaga 'nay? Anu?
Aling Dionisia: DIOMANJI (dionisia-manny- jinky)

************ *

Pacquiao: Honey, buksan mo na yung sweets.
Jinky : Lambing mo talaga. mwah !! Nasan ang sweets honey?
Pacquiao: Yung sweets ng ilaw. di ako makakita? ang dilim!!

************ *

Si Manny Pacquiao tumakbo sa pagka-Congressman sa GenSan…
Reporter: Manny, anong masasabi mo sa peace and order sa inyong lugar sa Gen San?
Manny: Ah, yun ba? uhmm…eh… ang masasabi kulang diyan ay….
Reporter: Ano..?
Manny: Ahh, kwan,…maraming pish sa Gen San pero wala masyado umo-order

************ *

Freddie and Manny heart to heart talk
Manny: Pare, ba't naman hanggang ngayon wala ka pang syota? Wala ka pa bang napupusuan?
Freddie: Meron. .. Manhid ka lang!
& nbsp;
************ *

Noodle!! Noodle!! Noodle!!
Manny Pacquiao sa Deal or No Deal

************ *

Sa Las Vegas
Waiter: May i take your order, Madam?
Aling Dionisia: Soup
Waiter: Chicken, asparagus, noodle, fish or soup of the day?
Aling Dionisia: Soup drenks!

************ *

Sa isang Birthday Party
Aling Dionisia: Blue!!! Blue the Kick!!!!

************ *

You is!' 'you is! you is!', sigaw ni Aling
Dionisia pagdating sa Amerika..Andito na ako sa 'you is!'

***********

 
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Jokes

Beauty Contests’ Q&A Moments

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Beauty Contests Boo boos

It is during the Q&A portions of beauty contests that judges can ascertain whether the contestant has what it takes to win the crown. Oftentimes, it also provides a hint as to whether there is something between the ears of the aspirants.

Here are some amusing moments we noted during one of these beauty contests.

  • Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the  Philippines?
  • Contestant : Bocaue.
  • Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
  • Contestant: Because it’s a magnificent place.
  • Host : Which part of Bocaue?
  • Contestant: The Bocaue Rice Terraces.

_____

  •  Host : What is your best feature?
  • Contestant : My graduation picture and also my baby picture.

_____

  •  Host : What is you favorite motto?
  • Contestant : If others can’t, why can’t I!

_____

  •  Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
  • Contestant : Please come back or you shall return.

_____

  •  Host : What is your typical day?
  • Contestant : I think Saturday po!

_____

  • Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do   it?
  • Contestant : That is a very good and easy question but is hard to answer… He! He! He!

_____

  • Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
  • Contestant : My edge? I’m 21 years old, Sir!

_____

  •  Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
  • Contestant: Thirty-five.
  • Host: Why 35?
  • Contestant: Because you are already old enough not to make any mistakes.

_____

  • Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
  • Contestant: I am now 18, plus 10… I’ll be 28!

_____

  • Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
  • Contestant : Drugs!
  • Host : Why?
  • Contestant: Kasi it is very expensive na, Sir!

_____

  • Host : What is the essence of a woman posing nude in magazines?
  • Contestant : Girls should be proud because when she is naked it is pleasing and essential to men’s eyes!

_____

  • Host : What makes you blush?
  • Contestant: I don’t blush because I have a dark complexion.

_____

 

Jokes

Alzheimer’s Assessment Test

279 Comments

A Test If you will Ever Develop Alzheimer's

 

Normal Brain vs. Brain with Alzheimer's (Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons)

 

Alzheimer's Test was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line below without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

 

  1. This is this cat.
  2. ​This is is cat. 
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat. 
  5. This is keep cat.
  6. This is an cat. 
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat.
  9. This is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat. 
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat. 

 

 

Now, lets use the same same set of sentences, but this time read the third word in each line from the top down.

 

  1. This is this cat.
  2. This is is cat. 
  3. This is how cat.
  4. This is to cat. 
  5. This is keep cat.
  6.  This is an cat. 
  7. This is old cat.
  8. This is fart cat. 
  9. This is busy cat.
  10. This is for cat. 
  11. This is forty cat.
  12. This is seconds cat. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!.

 

 

 

How Tos, Jokes

Marriage Lessons – How to deal with male chauvinists

285 Comments

Here are some tips on how to deal with male chauvinists. The first and fourth were shared to me by friends from the women’s movement, while the second and third were jokes shared during golf games.  Enjoy them.

Marriage – Part I

Typical macho man marries typical good-looking woman and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don’t expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner.

I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it.

Those are my rules!  Any comments?”

His new bride says, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night  whether you’re here or not.”

************ ********* ********* ******

 

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife have a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, “When you die,  I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever ”

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die,  I’m getting you a headstone that reads:

“Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last”

 ************ ********* *********

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, “You’re no good in bed either!” and storms out of the house.   After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,  “What took you so long to answer the phone?”

She says, “I was in bed.”

“In bed this early, doing what?”

She says, “Getting a second opinion!”

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud  of his achievements. He is so proud of himself,

that he starts calling his wife, “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home

and wants to find out  if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home ‘Mother of Six?’

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back,

“Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four.”

************ ********* ********* ********

 

Jokes

Old People Have Problems

2 Comments

Amusing stories are passed on from one person to another. In the process, some details are lost and even the names of the original author(s) may even be omitted. Here is one example of such joke, which may have originated from the West and found its way to some email addresses here in the Philippines. I am posting it here because of its amusement value. Unfortunately, the name of its original author was no longer there when I received the email.

Smile.

Old people have problems that you haven ‘ t even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor ‘ s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

“Well, doc, it ‘ s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.”

“Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.”

“We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked!  “You asked your neighbour? ”

The old man replied,  “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.. ”